Iiiiiiii HATE when certain shoppers, particularly those of the geriatric variety, pick at the food in the produce section—I mean when they actually start sampling the grapes, the blueberries, the strawberries.

“Hey, Grandma. I don’t know where your wrinkly little hands have been. You probably don’t know, either.”

Really, nobody should be touching the fucking produce with their bare hands—at least, not any of it that you may directly put into your mouth. Hey, squeeze the orange, fondle the grapefruit, grope the cantaloupe to your heart’s content. But if the peel comes off—use protection.

And, yeah, I know, you’re supposed wash everything before you eat it. But, keep in mind, itty-bitty things grow with the assistance of a little H20. Just because you put some water on the thing, don’t mean it’s suddenly cleansed of all bacteria.

And I’m not suggesting that you scrub each individual grape and blueberry with Palmolive Oxy Plus and a Brillo Pad. All I’m saying is, at the store, hands—bare hands—OFF the produce. Use the plastic baggies. Just put ‘em over your hands. Please. It’s really a small, courteous thing to do. At least, for those of us who are a tad anal-retentive.

[He points at himself.]

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