[He displays an apple for all to see…]

Apples must be…


When they lose all crispness—and this occurs shortly before the innards begin to turn brown—you should no longer be interested. A soft slice of apple—you, the veritable consumer, should spit right out. And you should not care how it looks after your teeth have attempted the munching of it. A non-crisp apple is an insult to your teeth.

Not that you should not like apple sauce. No, no, love apple sauce. Nor am I commenting here on baked apples, or apples one finds in a pie. But when you bite out of an apple you believe to be ripe for consumption, you’ve got to hear, you’ve got to feel, that essential crispness.

Because that is happiness.

Not a “warm gun,” but a crisp apple.

Happiness is also a brand new toothbrush, preferably an Oral-B…but we’re talking about apples right now.

Jewel, Dominicks, Kroger, Piggly-Wiggly. The produce section: The cheaper the apple, chances are, the longer it’s been sitting in the bin. The cheaper the apple, you’re likely getting the short end of the bargain. Don't be fooled!

In my neck of the woods, the most expensive apples are a dollar forty-nine. Drives me crazy—whenever a thing is decimal point forty-nine; or decimal point ninety-nine; or decimal point anything nine! Who are they trying to kid? Do they actually believe people won’t buy the apple, or whatever it is, if the thing is a dollar fifty? Or just a plain decimal point zero zero?

We know that with tax the apple, or whatever, will be more than a dollar forty-nine. So what is the big problem with including the sales tax? Huh? There should be a Goddamn law! It’s false advertising— isn’t it? It’s misleading the customer which, yes, is against the law.

Just, please, stop saying, “Plus tax.” Just give us the price as it’s going to be at the check-out!

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