s tr EA m #5 5 (ABS Draft 1)
The following notification is a production of Automated Break-Up Systems. Please visit our website for our Back-To-School Break-Up Notification Specials. Act now, for our Back-To-School Break-Up Specials are available for a limited time only. The following notification is a production of Automated Break-Up Systems. Please listen carefully as this notification may be tailor-made to suit either the breakup-er and slash or the break-up-ee. The following notification was sent via email, text message, standard phone communiqué on [INSERT DATE AND TIME HERE]. Please note: across all platforms: Standard rates apply. The following notification is intended for Mr. or Ms. or Mrs. [INSERT BREAK-UP-EE NAME HERE] only. Please hang up or delete this notification if you are not Mr. or Ms. or Mrs. [INSERT BREAK-UP-EE NAME HERE]. Dear Mr. or Ms. or Mrs. [INSERT BREAK-UP-EE NAME HERE], one Mr. or Ms. or Mrs. [INSERT BREAK-UP-ER NAME HERE] is breaking up with you. He or she is breaking up with you because [INSERT SPECIALIZED MESSAGE HERE] and slash or for the following reasons: A.) “You are a jerk.” And/Or B.) “You cheated on me.” And/Or C.) “I cheated on you.” And/Or D.) “I need a break.” And/Or E.) “It’s just not working out.” And/Or F.) “I’ve found somebody else.” And/Or G.) “You’re a lousy lay.” Please note: Optional Reasons “H” through “Z” are also available for a one-time set up fee of nineteen dollars and ninety-five cents. This is a limited time offer. To hear these options, which may or may not apply to this particular notification, please press the pound sign and type in your Visa or MasterCard number. As a member of Automated Break-Up Systems you will also have the benefit of accessing our award-winning Automated Counseling Services. We, at Automated Break-Up Systems: Care. Sign-up for our referral service and receive thirty days of Automated Break-Up Notifications or Automated Counseling Services at half-cost. This concludes your Automated Break-Up Notification. We hope that you have enjoyed the no-hassle conveniences of our system regardless of which end of the break-up you are on. Best of luck in your future relationship attempts. Your confirmation code is 111-232-ADX-5F5F-POX-111-238. Please write your confirmation code down. Without the confirmation code, Automated Break-Up Systems cannot be held liable for missed messages. Your confirmation code also serves as a five-percent-off discount coupon-code to our online store, where many ABS Tee-shirts, coffee mugs, frisbees, bumper stickers and thongs are available for purchase. Please visit us to-day, as your five-percent-off discount coupon-code will expire in twenty-four hours. Thank you for using Automated Breakup Systems. To listen to this message, in its entirety, again, please press “1.” [Bottom reached.]
4 August 2008