FireVaney

Since Pop takes naps, I take naps. Since Pop pisses a lot, I’m pissing a lot more. On the bright side, his house has two toilets. No, not side-by-side. One’s upstairs, the other’s downstairs.  Since Pop drives slow, I’m driving slower. I find myself asking other drivers, as they pass me, “What’s the rush?” I need a bumper sticker that says, “I believe in the speed limit.” Thing is, Pop and me, we’re the only two such believers in town.  Since Pop grunts when he sits, I grunt when I sit. And each time I grunt, in my head, I ask myself, as I sit and grunt, I ask, “Why am I grunting?” I don’t have back pain. I’m too young to grunt like Pop grunts.  Beyond that, he and I, we have very little in common.  He reads business periodicals. He’ll read them all day long. Me? I read plays and novels. Pop won’t touch ‘em. At night, he watches whatever’s on TV. He watches Wheel Of Fortune,  he watches The Bachelor , he watches Dancing With The Stars, he watches Deal or No Dea...

Dear Scáthach,  Does the name Polonius ring a bell? He was a wise fool. Had he survived Hamlet’s rapier, he might’ve lived long enough to share the following sage advice* with you…  There are two little words that will open a lot of doors for you: “Push” and “Pull.”  If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.  When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.  The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.  Do you remember the time we robbed that bank? Oh. Wait. No. I was with Cúnait. Never mind. Before you came along, she was something of a wild child; not at all the demure, prudish saint she is today. But forget I mentioned it. (Of course, if you ask her, she’ll deny it.)  Do you remember stealing my sippy cup? Near the turn of the 20th century, my great grandmother, Avdotya, sailed across the Atlantic Ocean, all the way from Russia, with that very sippy cup and, other than the clothes on ...

What do you believe? Why trust yourself when, time and again, you’ve led yourself astray? Astray, astray. Ashtray. If only leading oneself astray were a lucrative career path. And as for faith: Faith in what? Faith in what you know? Alright. Or, all right. You have faith in knowing what you know is wrong. Or, at best, what you know is riddled with wrongs. Go? BOLDLY go? Where? Spend? How much? Write? How much? Spend it all? Go everywhere? Write until the ink runs out? Write until the paper runs out? Type until the fingers ache? Ah, but recall Mister Rather’s sage advice. * What do you want? What, REALLY ? Self-reliance? Ah, but you get soooooooooooooooooo lonesome, don’t you? Lonesome and loathsome. You suffer soooooooooooooooooo much doubt, no? You want a lover. You want a companion. You want to “go free” with a lover-companion. And you don’t want a boss. Well, who DOES ? Well, frankly? Many do. All too many seek to be led. But you? No. As the Bio-Farter oft said, “You can’t take ...

Blasted weather! It saps my creativity. Blast it! This is why I must move North. Around here, August is the worst – typically the worst. To my mind, it IS the worst. July is bad, but August is worse. Now, October? That’s a much better month. It’s my mother’s month. But more importantly, why can’t I dress the brown bear in its fur? YOU said I could. You promised. You wanted me to dress it in a red velvet jumpsuit. “But that’s too tacky,” says you. It’s MY bear! Why can’t I dress it how I please? Who are YOU to say how I should dress MY property. It IS my property. It’s not like it’s a REAL bear, a LIVE bear. It’s a mere teddy. I was wondering where that came from – that “teddy” bear term. I kinda knew already, but I wasn’t sure. One of my dictionaries, in case you didn’t know yourself, says that “Teddy” was the nickname for “Theodore,” alluding to “Theodore Roosevelt,” who was an “enthusiastic” bear hunter. So there you have it. And I’ll wager that President Roosevelt wouldn’t care to h...