[NAME REDACTED A]: …you must know when to make that choice.  When to consider it.  In this line of work, one is easily led astray.  One is easily overcome.  Sucked in.  Pissed out.  What I am trying to make clear, [NAME REDACTED B], is that you do not want to be pissed out of somebody else’s dick.

[NAME REDACTED B]:  …No, sir.
[NAME REDACTED A]:  Do not be your country’s kidney stone.  Do not be mine. 

[NAME REDACTED B]:  God as my witness, sir--

[NAME REDACTED A]:  You love your country very much.


[NAME REDACTED A]:  Shh-Shh.  You would not be here otherwise.  And you will be doing your country, and me, a great service by pissing…  on your own terms.  Understand:  by that:  I do not propose that you ever piss on your country, or on me, or even on yourself--particularly on yourself.  Understand that if you piss on yourself, you are, in fact, pissing on the country and on me.  And, of course, I do not mean literally, that is, in the sense of watering a bush on the side of some road, in the country, your country, when a toilet or a proper urinal is unavailable and the needs of your bladder reign supreme.  I take that back.  Under certain conditions, yes, you might have to wet your pants in order to protect our national security.  But those are extreme circumstances.  True, you have been, and you will continue to be, subjected to extreme circumstances.  But you piss on yourself as a last resort.  Never on your country.  And if you piss on me, well…  I will cut your dick off. 

[He pulls open a deep desk drawer; gazes down at its contents.]  

And add it to the collection.  Which is substantial. 

[NAME REDACTED B rises to take a look; NAME REDACTED A slams the drawer shut, chuckles.] 

I jest.  A little.  A bit.  A mite.  A smidgeon.  No, no.  Of course not.  Like you, I have never deviated from protocol.  Save, perhaps, during this passing moment of harmless waggishness.  Okay?  Ha, ha.  Smile.

[NAME REDACTED B forces a broad smile.]

Good.  Very good.  Almost convincing.  At ease.  

[NAME REDACTED B stops smiling.]  

Gee.  Right on cue.  Most impressive.  

[The black box’s green light clucks off; its red light clucks on.  NAME REDACTED A gasps.]


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