Much to your chagrin, the weekly planner fails to grant sufficient space to Saturday and Sunday. You’ve thus resorted to severe abbreviations. Three examples follow…
“AL” reminds you to set the radio to wake you at six thirty tomorrow morning to beat the trash collector to the curb (with the trash) before seven. Like most of your neighbors, yes, you could leave it out there overnight, but there’s always the risk of raccoons. If only raccoons were tidier scavengers, why, then you’d be happy to lend them free access to your rubbish. Alas, raccoons have no appreciation for Humanity’s efforts (however futile) at waste management.
“R” reminds you to staple together the week’s receipts and file all the statements received in their designated manila folders. “The manila component of the name comes from manila hemp or abacá, from which manila folders were originally made. ‘Manila’ refers to the capital of the Philippines, one of the main producers of abacá, which is itself named after the Indigo Tree (Scyphiphora hydrophyllacea) a shrub called ‘nilad’ in Tagalog as the name means ‘there is nilad’.”* Speaking of Manila, it occurs to you that all of the Filipinos you know are accountants and caregivers. A few years back, when your Great Aunt Nelly suffered a paralyzing stroke, you very nearly had an illicit affair with her Filipino caregiver. Although a mother of two, she was terribly inept at kissing--the Filipino, that is, not Great Aunt Nelly. She didn’t know what to do with your tongue; she didn’t know what to do with her own tongue. (Be advised, this account is not intended to reflect a standard of kissing aptitude amongst Filipino expatriates; no, it is merely one experience.) Regardless, the receipts are summarily shredded once they are checked against the credit card statement. The statements are shredded shortly after the end of the year.
“C” reminds you to wash, with antibacterial Dawn soap, your tweezers, your nail clippers and your small Swiss Army Knife. These items are the weapons of choice in your losing battle against acne and unshaveable facial hair.