FireVaney's

Clive and I have recorded exactly fourteen hours of conversation. It started when he picked me up at the Linden Purple Line Station last Monday and it ended last night. We did not record for fourteen hours straight. No, I had work and sleep and hunger and various chores and errands to contend with; but every time we spoke—even on the phone—the tape was rolling. (That is, assuming I didn’t forget to turn the thing on.) We may even record Friday night’s Star Wars Trivial Pursuit Extravaganza with Eryk Eiríkr. *  Alas, a few seemingly precious moments of conversation were, inadvertently, left out of this week’s recording sessions. (Id est, it wasn’t on.) How curious that the best stuff always seems to escape the tape.  29 March 2001   * [Not his legal name, nor one he chose of his own accord.]

My Timex reads four o’clock ante meridiem. Instead of sleeping, I’m shivering. My nose is stuffed. In my head, Eva Cassidy’s take on “Over the Rainbow” is stuck on repeat. Last night and earlier this morning Clive Churner * insisted that we read (aloud) the rather unique letter (a creative hodge-podge of thought) that he’d sent me (months ago) and critique it, section by section. Said readings and critiques have been preserved for posterity on a series of microcassette recordings, titled: “Is It On?” (The aforementioned query refers to the status of my microcassette recorder.) Clive’s letter is roughly thirty pages long, if not longer. At the risk of being overly reductive, he’s taken the people we’ve both known and events we’ve both experienced and spun them wildly out of control in silly little yarms—I mean yams—I mean yarns. Please note that I’ve sat here coughing and gagging after—and, at times, straight through—every one of the aforementioned sentences, along with this one, and v...

Pop,  God love him,  has an aversion to using flatware  —but especially knives.  He prefers to push food  onto his fork  with the side of his index finger.  He'll grab a slice of  butter–and–syrup smothered  French toast  right off the plate  with both hands and  shove it down his gullet.  Pop never puts his napkin on his lap.  No matter its condition,  he’ll leave it  bunched and  smudged  beside his plate.  He prefers to drink his liquids  only after having consumed all of his solids.  That's my Pop.  For starters. *  April 8, 2004  * [Two decades ago, The FireVaney refused to limit himself to one blog. Blogging was—and, for him, remains to this day—an excellent way to avoid writing anything worth publishing, staging, or filming “IRL.” One of the half-dozen or more blogs he maintained back in 2004 was called, The Braeside . With apologies, Dear Reader, he will not al...

The nest is in the tree where it belongs. That is not code. That is a nest. A simple, run-of-the-mill nest. A bird’s nest, to be exact. And I had meant to write something else, something – a word – that wasn’t “nest.” Only, now, I cannot recall what that word was. I started to write it, and… oh, here, the word I intended was: “next,” but, as is evident, I wrote, “nest,” instead. And I ran with it. Rather, I tried to. But I didn’t really, did I? No. Because I stopped myself and tried to explain my original choice. My typing of “nest” was an accident. My finger hit the “s” key instead of the “x” key. And there you have it. Aren’t you pleased to have the explanation? Doesn’t it make you whole? No? I didn’t think so. But, if, by chance, it did , then how lucky for you. I really ought to run with it, though. Go with the accident. The nest is not in need of repair. It is a dandy nest. It is next to the other next. (I meant to write “nest,” of course!) An eagle’s next is next to the nest I ...

I’m only on the schedule for Monday. Fine by me. I lead a hermit’s life. Frugality is my superpower. But then Huggs calls at six o’clock this morning. Can I come in? Donny’s in the hospital. On the way to work, he crashed his bike into an open car door. Huggs needs a “superglue.” She knows it’s my favorite “role.” (You’re not stuck in the same spot doing the same thing for four or six or eight hours, and you can avoid dealing directly with the customers.) More importantly, Huggs knows that I live half a block away from the coffee shop. She calls two more times after that. Sure, I could pick up the phone, sure I could come in and work a few hours—but I gotta WRITE. Yes, I feel guilt, but FUCK, DAMN, I GOTTA WRITE IF I’M GONNA GET OUTTA THIS CRAP WAY OF LIVING. That was eloquent. I’m listening to Miles Davis’s Milestones . The world would be a better place if most of it appreciated jazz.  11 April 2001

“I profess not to know how women’s hearts are wooed and won. To me they have always been matters of riddle and admiration. Some seem to have but one vulnerable point, or door of access; while others have a thousand avenues, and may be captured in a thousand different ways. It is a great triumph of skill to gain the former, but still greater proof of generalship to maintain possession of the latter, for the man must battle for his fortress at every door and window. He who wins a thousand common hearts is therefore entitled to some renown; but he who keeps undisputed sway over the heart of a coquette is indeed a hero.”

Started pulling shots before the sun rose, quit pulling shots after the sun set. The line of folks jonesing for a hit of caffeine never shortened. At one point, when Huggs and I were the only ones on duty, she stopped taking orders to help me fill all the ones flashing on my screen. I made a general announcement about the other Coffee Cadre Café a mere three blocks away. “IT’S TWICE THE SIZE OF THIS ONE!” I told them. Nobody left. Or if a few did leave, still more arrived. Late in the day, the espresso machine made an explosive internal hissing sound like none I’d ever heard before. I nearly thanked it aloud. Minutes later, all on its own, it was up and running again.  8 April 2001

Over the phone, Ma reads me the speech Macbeth gives in Act 5, Scene. 5. You know the one. It ends with: “It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.” Then Ma tells me she wants this speech read in its entirety at her funeral. “Isn’t it beautiful?” she says. Over the phone, she can’t see me shrug and shake my head at the same time. “Sure it’s beautiful,” I say, “as far as beauty in the English language is concerned. But, Ma, out of context? All it means is that life is a big fat waste.” When ole Macbeth shares his nihilistic thoughts, he knows that the jig is up. That’s all. Big bummer for him. Next time, Scotty boy, maybe consider karma. “Ma,” I say, “find me something hopeful to read at your funeral, huh?” After that I tell her to make an appointment with a shrink. She won’t be shuffling off this mortal coil anytime soon.  4 April 2001

Lome   They give you a choice of soup, salad, or coleslaw.  I chose the coleslaw.  They serve it to you all by itself.  A plate of it.  Trigg A plate?  Not a dish?  Like a saucer -dish?  Lome   All by itself.  A dinner plate.  A mountain of coleslaw.  Trigg   Why not get a salad? Lome   I figured it’d come with the meal.  You know, on the side .  Trigg That is the usual way.  Lome It wasn’t bad, the coleslaw.  Trigg You’d think a plate of it all by itself would have to be pretty good.  Lome Still, didn’t really work.  A big plate of it.  All by itself.  Trigg You’d think it’d be common knowledge.  Commonly understood.  As a side .  Lome Not like I was expecting greatness .  It’s coleslaw .  Cabbage and mayo.  Right?  Trigg It’s Dutch. “Koolsla.”  Lome   How is that useful?  Trigg I dunno.  Conversation starter?  Lome...

Start: Now. Do it. See the way. Now. In the apple orchard. No. The “Old Orchard.” Nothing “old” about it. Nary an apple to be found. Save for in a pie. And even then. Artificial flavor. Right? I dunno. Ask that clown over there under the “golden arches.” Ah, but the old “Old Orchard”? The way it used to be? No. Now. The way it is. The way it was… you don’t want that. That was lame. That’s when hardly anybody went there. But now? Good luck finding a place to park. And they keep building. And the new owners — they’re Australians — they don’t even want to call it “Old Orchard” anymore. They’ve got their corporate name taking prominence. They want to be the Six Flags of giant shopping malls. Plus: They don’t dig on word “old.” Who does? Just like Oldsmobile. What most folks don’t know, I’ll bet, is that there was a guy named “Olds.” According to Wikipedia, his name was Ransom E. Olds. That’s some first name, huh? So the name, the car company’s name, it had nothing do to with nostalgia for ...