s t r e a m # 5 0

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Consider the childhood imaginary friend. It is an accepted form of psychosis, is it not? Perhaps “psychosis” isn’t the best word for it, but you get my meaning. As a child, you might’ve been encouraged to conjure up a hallucinated companion. As an adult, however, such imaginative exercises are not encouraged. That said, many DO encourage the practice of “projecting” some desired outcome (Winning The Game, Acing The Interview, Boarding The Plane, etcetera). So, it struck me – just yesterday – that I still have an imaginary friend of a sort. It’s a coping mechanism. It’s a way of dealing with my loneliness. And it’s based on you. (Assuming you’re reading this.) Jenny says to Forest Gump, “I wish I could’ve been there with you.” Forest replies, “You were.” And I know what he means. So now what? Now, perhaps, I’ll be able to, in effect, put faux-you to bed. Once you know what something is, you can put it in its place. Physically as well as mentally. Well, when you come right down to it, it’s ALL physical – or perhaps more accurately: it’s all chemical. And just like the moon, everything is either waning or waxing. Not long ago, I would’ve sought to fulfill your every desire. What’s changed? Well, that’s proximity for you – id est, the lack there of. “Absence makes the heart grow fonder,” but mostly in the short term, or only when your “heart” has nothing better to do. Spend lots of time – “quality time”  – with anybody and you’ll end up loving them or hating them or bouncing back and forth between those two emotional extremes. Eventually, you’ll settle upon a medium – which is probably ideal and, likely, preferred. As the old used-car-salesman-turned-news-anchor liked to say, “Hating somebody is like letting them live rent-free in your head.” Perhaps the same goes for loving somebody. Time and Distance is key. Like it or not, everything fades. Experience is all you’ll ever get. “Stuff” goes missing. Or, “Stuff” wears out. And I need to break free. For the time being, the best I can do is travel inward. And, besides, everything springs from within. Almost everything. Fine: MANY things spring from within. Ok, ok, but you must agree that SOME things spring from within; and amongst those things are things critical to one’s sense of purpose. It’s funny: The very day – in fact, the very moment – I was going to declare, very publicly, “Instead, judge what one DOESN’T do,” the phone rang, and you’d rung it. But the sentiment holds nonetheless. Another funny thing: Somebody is treating me just like I’m treating you. And I feel uncomfortable for the same reason you feel uncomfortable. At least, that’s my guess. What’s more, my behavior toward that individual matches your behavior toward me. Or, it’s pretty close. But I never said I wasn’t a hypocrite. Give me some credit, at least I’m an honest hypocrite – if that’s possible. Whether or not it’s true, I want to believe that I am Whole, and that there is no Void, and that our purpose, each and every one of us, is to Add, but not to fill. Let us thus complement, enhance, but not “complete” one another; for I want to believe that we are already complete – that, absent intelligence, we were born complete. It’s what I need to believe. Otherwise, I’m fucked. Bottom reached.* 

28 July 2008

*Apologies. It’s a shitty stream, as it aims too much for coherence. Ah, but they’re all shitty streams. 


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