Precedents

For me, today was Precedents Day. I looked into becoming a firefighter. I shopped for and purchased a Holy Bible. I shopped for and purchased a bra at Victoria’s Secret. The bra is a wonder bra and it is leopard patterned. I can’t believe I actually bought a bra.* I can’t believe I actually bought a Bible. Also, Thad gave me a haircut today. He’s a medical student, not a barber. My hair might be the shortest it’s ever been. Another precedent: I dropped my underwear in the toilet—my red underwear.§ I’ll bet you don’t own any colored underwear. I’ll bet you own more briefs than boxers. 

My grandfather calls me up in the middle of the night because he can’t figure out how to turn off his new TV. ** (It’s his first TV with a remote control.) 

Somewhere, I heard, or maybe read, that Americans eat enough ice cream every year to fill the Grand Canyon. No doubt I eat enough to fill a small ravine. 

1 August 1997 

*[03/12/23: For the life of me, I cannot recall why I bought a bra. Although I do have moobs, I am not a cross-dresser and, to the best of my recollection, I’ve never played one onstage. Methinks it was a gag gift. But in the interest of full disclosure, I have tried on panties—once.] 

[03/12/23: As for the Bible, I vaguely recall feeling that it was required reading for any burgeoning writer worth their salt. And as for the pipedream of firefighting, well, let’s just say that I’ve never grown up.]

[03/12/23: I do not recall if this was the first of several haircuts Dr. Thad gave me, or the only one. I couldn’t tell you if he’d offered, if I’d asked, or how it all came about. That said, I can assure you, with absolute confidence, that I was, and to this day remain, too cheap to pay a professional. These days, I do it myself, but there’s a lot less to work with.] 

§[03/12/23: For the record, I do not normally remove my underwear whilst using a toilet. I have no idea why I removed it on this particular occasion. Regardless, in light of so many poor decisions, there can be little doubt as to why I have good reason to mistrust my own judgement.] 

**[03/12/23: That big old CRT TV (a 1997 fake-wood encased 35” Mitsubishi with separate compartmentalized speakers and subwoofer), and its accompanying VCR, are presently sitting in my living room. Back before the turn of the century, these were state-of-the-art home entertainment appliances. And they both still work! Yeah, sure, even with a digital converter box, broadcasts aren’t so sharp, and VCR cassette tapes are almost painful to watch. But DVDs look great!] 


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