Pit Stink

Why do we have to smell so bad? And everything that comes out of us, why does it all have to smell worse? Why does poop have to smell so bad? Is it so we won’t eat it? Is that really why? Was that just how stupid our prehistoric ancestors were? 

And God said, “They might eat their own shit — so, uh, I’ll make it real stinky — yeah, that’s what I’ll do.” 

Maybe Caveman Bob got curious one day, bent over, and took a hard look at what he’d just squeezed out of his butthole. And maybe he said, “Huh. That’s kinda like what chickens do. Then again, what I just did there is more cylindrical than spherical. And I never make a white one. Most importantly, mine doesn’t have a shell — THANK GOD. But I say we drop it in a pot of boiling water for twelve minutes and see what happens. Or, we could scramble it up with cheese, ham, onions, and green peppers. If anybody asks, just say it came from Denver.” 

That’s when The Lord stepped in and said, “No, no. That’s shit. Nothing like an egg. Believe you me.” Then God waves Her magic finger. “VoilĂ !” She says (because She prefers French exclamations), “And there’s the stink to prove it!” 

Life must’ve been unbelievably hard for the first dude or dudette who became self-aware enough to actually contemplate the meaning of bodily excretions. We’re talking profound confusion. Daily, poor Caveman Bob might ask, “But if it came from me — that is, if I made it — how can it possibly be bad for me?” 

Anyway, why can’t our armpits smell like lavender? Or cinnamon? Or chocolate chip cookies straight from the oven? Or whatever’s sweet smelling. Roses, maybe. Lilacs. I get that we don’t want bees pollinating our armpits. Are bees, perhaps, repelled by pit stink? I ask only because I’ve never been stung in the armpit. But then I don’t normally run around waving my arms above my head. 

Why can’t our natural BO, when not concealed by Speed Stick, or Right Guard, or Sure, or Axe — why can’t our natural stink serve us in some way? Instead of repelling the opposite sex, why can’t BO repel mosquitoes? Surely, someday, some scientist somewhere will genetically engineer a baby with mosquito repelling BO. 

15 May 2005 

[10/10/21: Post scriptum: You now have the option of commenting anonymously on all of this drivel. Why not help make it worse? Thank you.

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