Quarterly Throb Assessment (Excerpts)

Here’s what’s curious: At the bottom of the page, Rupert wrote, “Throbs account for too much inspiration.” But did he mean “throbs” in general? Ask him now and he will probably say, “Possibly.” Whatever he meant, he made the initial observation nearly a year ago. 

At the top of the page, Rupert wrote, “He’s got an eye throb and a tooth throb this morning, but these are nothing new.” We suspect he was expressing himself in the third person. Rupert smiled wryly and/or coyly when we put the question to him; i.e. we asked, “Were you referring to yourself when you wrote “he’s” or “his”? Ask him a question about any of his writings and he’ll smirk (wryly/coyly) and/or he’ll wink. 

“Said throbs manifest from his right eye—his weaker eye,” Rupert wrote, “and the left, upper rearmost molar in his mouth.” 

Rupert confessed to us that he hasn’t seen a doctor since the cassette tape fell out of fashion. 

“Said throbs are not a daily occurrence,” wrote Rupert, nearly a year ago. “Said throbs occur too infrequently to warrant keeping track of them.” 

To the best of our knowledge, these few surviving handwritten notes of Rupert’s are the only written record we have of “said throbs.” 

“When said throbs persist,” he continues, “an aspirin or acetaminophen usually does the trick.” The “trick” being that of alleviation, we assume. “Such alleviators trouble his belly if not ingested with a sufficient amount of food or, at the very least, a half glass full of warmed milk. But why do these throbs recur? Why do they subside? Nerve damage? Brain tumor? Said throbs occur most frequently when he oversleeps or when he sleeps the ‘wrong way’ upon the right side of his face. A floss pick jammed between his throbbing molar and abutting non-throbbing molar provides several degrees of temporary relief.” 

Our recommendation: Increase the frequency and intensity of Rupert’s throbs. We suspect—and the evidence bears this out—that he has not sufficiently “suffered” for his “art.”